“If I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone.”
Anyone that truly knows me knows that if I’ve been listening to Stabbing Westward, something must be very, very wrong.
And yet, that little corner of my brain says that everything is actually okay.
I’m just being myself.
But what do you do when you’re not happy with yourself anymore?
This is that circular logic that always gets me into heaps and heaps of trouble.
The really amusing thing, though, is that I was given a glimpse of insight the other day. A glimpse of insight offered up by anime. I was watching Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Now, I’m disappointed as the next person about the ending of the series. Yes, I can understand and appreciate the artistic aspect of the final two episodes. I’ve watched enough anime to expect it in a way.
But it still doesn’t keep me from wanting a few simple things. Like a big mecha beat down with explosions and stuff. Or maybe… just maybe… an explanation or two about major plot threads that have been the focus of the 20 some odd episodes before the ending.
Presumptuous of myself, I know.
But some small thread of clarity in those last two episodes caused a little introspective on my part.
I hate myself at times, but I am neither more nor less than what I perceive myself to be. Than what I allow myself to be.
I am my own worst enemy, but I am also the only one that can set me free.
And, thankfully, I am not nearly as fucked up as someone that finds validation in driving around a giant biomechanical robot that houses the soul of his dead mother.
I have felt so lost and alone these past few days… these past few weeks. I have a hard time with journals… or with blogs like this… because honestly, I get sick of hearing myself.
Which isn’t good, really… when you have to put up yourself as much as any of us do.
So when a close friend called today… when I had the chance to reach out to someone I care about so much… it felt, in ways, like I allowed myself to feel again. It was just what I needed… and I can’t help but be reassured by a simple, beautiful friendship that I have always cherished.
You know who you are… and I’ve missed you. Just as much, I think, as you’ve missed me. We need to allow ourselves those times to vent, I think.
And… I’m happy.
Something I haven’t felt in a while.
It’s time to put away the Stabbing Westward I think.